I can't be the only parent who is driven crazy by other parents, right?
I remember when Charlotte was just a few months old and a stranger stopped me at a store to compliment her. We chatted for a few minutes and then she made a comment that stuck with me. She was talking about the future and I was afraid for a minute that she was one of those "just wait" people who also drive me crazy ("just wait, before you know it she'll be driving!" or "just wait, before you know it she'll be in college!" or some other variation that points out the obvious passage of time. My personal favorite: "just wait, she's sweet now but soon enough she'll be stealing your car and breaking curfew." It was oddly specific...and troubling.).
Instead she said to me "the real challenge isn't finding her any friends to play with--kids have no trouble making friends. The hard part will be for you to find parents you actually like."
At the time, I laughed and when I thought about it right after I felt like I kind of knew what she meant. I know that parenthood changes a person and that it can make us all a little crazy, so it's bound to present itself in weird ways sometimes, especially to strangers. But as Charlotte gets a little older the reality of what that woman said has resonated louder.
Let me preface this by saying I am not a fan of large group activities. This goes for sports (I will pick solo sports like running or swimming over a team sport any day), parties (I prefer small gatherings), and most of all, I have learned, Mommy & Me classes of any kind.
Ready for my confession? I absolutely loathe Mommy & Me classes. Any kind, any subject. Hate them all. Music, art, story time, dancing: no, no, no and no.
Please, please tell me I am not alone. There must be someone else out there who hates them as much as I do, right?
Right?
Let me explain.
My hatred of these classes is mostly directed at the ones for toddlers--not as much the ones for the under 1 crowd (though those aren't really a picnic either). And it's not that I hate the subject matter--not at all. I think kids should be given ample opportunity to enjoy every subject that has a corresponding Mommy & Me class. My problem with these things is the "Mommy" part of it--the idea that the parent must be just as interested and engaged in every activity that their child does. The idea that we need to guide everything they do and offer instruction and support over every last detail and basically smother them.
I stopped going to Mommy & Me classes a long time ago but the Mommy & Me mentality presents itself everywhere. There is a nature center near our house, and in it is a play area. The play area is small, maybe 12'x12', with benches nearby. There are some stuffed animals, puzzles, a plastic play house and a small wooden puppet theater. The benches are for the parents to sit at while their kids play--no matter which bench you choose, you will be within ten feet of your child at all times. But every time we go I can't help but notice that aside from me there might be one or two other parents on the bench while the other moms are busy
constantly engaging. They're adorning their arms with puppets and putting on an impromptu puppet show, complete with made up songs. They are asking their kid "and what color is that?" to every single item he picks up, or barking "and what sound does the _____ make?" to every stuffed animal he lays his eyes on. They're even (for real) stuffing themselves inside the plastic house for a rousing game of restaurant, taking up so much space that the kids couldn't even fit inside.
When did people start thinking that kids don't know how (or shouldn't be allowed to) play by themselves? The great thing about kids,
all kids, is their ability to imagine and pretend. They have an innate understanding of how to play. So why can't we
let them?
I'm not suggesting we not supervise our kids. I get that, especially for the toddler crowd, we need to be around to ensure their safety, etc. But once you've positioned yourself in a way that makes sure your child is safe, why not leave them be for awhile? Just let them play for heaven's sake. Seriously. Just sit down, be quiet, and let them be a kid.
It becomes almost like a competition--who can engage their kids the most? Or even more eye-roll inducing--who can be the most
present? I'm all for presence--meaning, put your phone away and have dinner together. Read books together. Show up. Take interest. Talk to them. All the big stuff and more of the little. But the idea that constant engagement is something that we should practice is ludicrous at best and harmful at worst.
I say ludicrous because constant engagement is near impossible, at least it is if you want to survive one day without going insane. Have you ever spent a full day with a two year old? Tell me honestly that you could remain constantly engaged in every single thing they do in one day and not need at least ten minutes of quiet or time off. Parenting is hard enough but when you convince yourself that you need to be in your kid's face, teaching and guiding and engaging, every second then you make it so much harder than it needs to be.
I say harmful because I worry about what kind of people these kids who are constantly surrounded by a hovering, helicopter parent might grow up to be. It is true that it is our job to teach them everything they need to know. But can we all agree that if you don't quiz them on colors, animal sounds and shapes at every possible opportunity that they will, most definitely, still find a way to graduate high school? Maybe if we leave them alone for a little while they'll learn to figure things out for themselves, problem solve a little bit, and develop the one thing everyone who helicopters is so worried about anyway: confidence. How can a kid become confident in their own ability to handle the world if we never give them the opportunity to try? Even two year olds need time to themselves to discover, play and learn on their own.
There is a time and place for working with kids on educational things. Not everything needs to be an educational experience and not every moment needs to have a lesson attached. It is frustrating to often feel like one of the only parents who just lets her kid have alone time, or play time. Sometimes I start to feel self conscious, like "should I be getting more involved? Do these other moms think I don't care?" But then all it takes is for one of them to burst into song about cleanup for me to be knocked back into reality.
So back to the Mommy & Me thing. I dislike it because of all the things I just talked about in my tirade above. The moms who are constantly "ON." But I also dislike the notion that socialization and learning is best done in a class, during a set time and place (I'm talking about the toddler crowd, not so much older children who are making their own decisions about what activities they want to participate in). I think that Charlotte has the rest of her life to have schedules and commitments and that a two year old should not have a calendar of events. I think that if I asked her if she wanted to take a particular class she would say "yes!" with the same amount of enthusiasm she responds with when Chad asks her if she wants to help him take out the garbage cans. My point is that she doesn't care--those classes are for the parents. Toddlers can socialize and make new friends anywhere. Get out of the house and take them places and you will both meet people. Buy some paints and paper and they will get to experience art. Have an instrument or two around and they will experiment with it. Read them books and take them to the library to explore. Go outside on a walk and they'll pick up rocks and sticks and dirt and ask questions and experience far more in one hour of unscheduled free time than they would in a class that takes place every Thursday at 10am.
But most of all, just leave them alone sometimes. Let them play. Just let kids be kids. Ok?
If you want to chat I'll be the parent on the bench at the nature center. Lets be friends.
~Stacy
