We've all heard and said all of the above. I've heard some variation almost every day since getting pregnant up until now. I have complicated feelings about these statements, and have noticed that oftentimes when I hear them I get a little annoyed. And lately I've noticed that I'm getting a lot annoyed and needed to figure out why.
I've been thinking a lot about time lately. My baby girl is turning one in less than two months and in the same week that she does, I'll be marking the 10th anniversary of graduating high school. Chad and I have been together for 11 years and married almost 7 (we married young!). I've been finished with college for 6 years and have lived in this house for almost as long. How is this possible? I feel like just yesterday I was standing in the lobby of Berea High School in my navy blue cap and gown, lining up to make the walk across the street to the college rec center to graduate. I can still remember a conversation I was having with a boy in my class. He had joked about whether we'd see each other again after that day and said "well I'll at least see you at our 10th reunion." At the time, I quickly did the math in my head and realized we'd be 28 years old. It sounded both exciting and ancient. When you're 18, anyone over the age of 21 seems much older than you.
It feels like I blinked, and now here I am at that magical, mythical age of 28, just a stone's throw from my 10th reunion. Some of you may be reading this and laughing to yourselves, thinking that I'm still so young. Others may be reading and shuddering at the thought of being almost 30. It's not about feeling young or old, it's the realization that time really does march on, and quickly, and that no one is immune. Each passing year seems like it goes faster than the last and gone are the days where 5 (or even 10) years feels like an eternity. When you're a kid, you want time to speed up so you can go to high school, drive, go to college, move out, whatever. Then all of a sudden that shifts and you want time to slow down a little, you want to linger at your current age or life stage a bit longer. We all hear this when we're teenagers, but we don't believe it until it happens to us.
Just yesterday I was swinging my little cousin by the feet and swishing his head across the floor after he begged to "play mop!" Now that sweet little boy with the cherub cheeks and adorable ears is a few weeks away from finishing boot camp and starting college. Wasn't it just last week I went to listen to my high school boyfriend play his guitar in a coffee shop? He wrote a song for me and it was so sweet; it made me blush. Now that boy is upstairs, playing that same song for our little girl. He's still just as cute, and he still makes me blush.
I'm much more aware of how quickly time passes now that I have a child. I get it--time truly does fly. She changes, sometimes literally, overnight. I look at pictures that were taken just 10 short months ago and I see a tiny newborn that barely resembles the bouncing baby I have now. When I was pregnant, well wishers would tell me to enjoy that time because it goes by so quickly and before you know it the baby's there and life gets hard. Just recently a friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook. There were dozens of congratulatory messages but I kept noticing a bunch that were to the tune of "Enjoy every second, before you know it they'll be going to college! Oh, congrats!!". These rubbed me the wrong way when people said them to me but at the time I just brushed it off. I have strangers routinely say things like "before you know it she'll be running around!" to "Pretty soon you'll be sending her off to kindergarten!" and even "start saving now for her wedding!". I've finally figured out why comments like these irk me so much: by telling me how fast time goes, it makes it harder to actually appreciate the moment.
Everyone means well, and we have most likely all said things like this at some point or another. People are trying to make conversation and remind me to stop and enjoy the little things. I get that. But to frame a childhood in terms of events that tick by at the speed of light makes it a challenge to live for those little moments that fill in all the gaps in between those milestones. I know that in 5 years I will be sending Charlotte off to kindergarten and I will cry. In 13 years she will start high school and in 17 she will graduate. Months later I will probably drop her off at college. And I will cry. But right now, she's not quite a year old. I know that in just a year's time she will be running around, talking up a storm, and doing a million more new things. One year isn't a long time, nor is 5, 10, or 15 for that matter. I know this. I want to enjoy today, and maybe think about next week.
I am guilty of spending too much time thinking and living in the future. "Live for the moment" is much easier said than done. I am trying really, really hard to do it as much as I can though. There was a period of time, not so long ago, where I had started to believe I couldn't have a child. Anyone who has ever dealt with infertility and/or miscarriage (in my case, I've tasted both) understands that feeling of desperation and watching a vision of your life that you thought you'd have start to fade away. My situation was difficult, certainly not as difficult as many, seeing as my story has a happy ending. My health was fine (unexplained infertility, possibly the most frustrating "diagnosis" ever. Also one everyone around you will happily diagnose as "just stress!" when you finally do get pregnant). My point in revealing all this is that when you believe that having the family you dreamed about is not going to happen, it's like walking around alive and being expected to function as though you're fine when a very significant part of you is dying inside. Except no one can see it, and no one talks about it. In my situation, since my dream finally came true, I want to savor it because sometimes I still don't believe it. It's not that I'm in denial about time marching on and Charlotte growing up--I'm not. I get that, and it is exciting to think about. It's that I want to enjoy this stage, right now, along with all the ones that follow, because it's amazing. To do this reminds me that it actually happened, I actually do have a child of my own, and every moment counts.
There will be a day, in the not so distant future, when my little girl is wearing a brand new backpack and running away from me with her lunchbox in hand. I promise you I will be nothing short of a hot mess when this day comes. As for right now, I will enjoy the time I get to spend with her while she lays in my arms drinking her bottle while she twirls my hair in her fingers. I will enjoy saying "good girl!" enthusiastically when she drinks from a sippy cup by herself or stands alone for a few seconds. I will ask her 100 times a day to pat her belly, hug her baby, and "what does the doggy say?" just to hear her little baby voice reply "ooof oof!". I will enjoy the fact that I can strap her in a stroller and we can walk for hours, just looking at stuff, because the world as it is is just so fascinating. I will also enjoy that she will stay put in said stroller, and will not try to run off because, for right now, she can't :)
I hope you all are able to stop, take a breath, and enjoy, even if just for a moment. It really does fly.
~Stacy
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